A Mum at last! (Reposted)

As you can guess from the title of this blog, I am a forty something first time mum. Or as we say here in Ireland 'Mam' or 'Mammy'. I decided to write this blog to reach out to other older mums and to indulge my love of the printed word.

It can be a lonely business being a forty something first time mum. After all, as someone kindly pointed out to me, people of my age usually have older and even fully grown children. The fact that some people think this hit me at a mother and toddler group that I went to recently. The leader asked me if I was my two year old son's 'nana' (grandmother)! 

I was horrified and I am sure my face dropped even further than it obviously looked. I had thought that I actually looked pretty ok for my forty four years. I went into the toilets with my son and gazed in the mirror asking myself questions.  Did I have what I recently saw termed  as 'age orexia?  When I looked in the mirror I saw a reasonably young face looking back at me!! Was I deluding myself?  I had enjoyed the group up until that point but as my little boy didn't seem to want to join in either,(hows that for solidarity?) we
left. I had begun to see the group as a whole different generation to me. Most of the other parents were at least ten years younger than me and they only reminded me that I am indeed a bit of an oldie. 

You may wonder, if I am so worried about being an older mum, why I left it so late? The answer  is, there were many reasons, mostly to do with insecurities and wrong perspective on life. I did not want to be poor, trapped and miserable. After all, that's what had happened to a lot of older women around me, not to mention some of my peers who had children at a young age. And so, I spent my twenties and thirties in a partying haze, pushing kids to the bottom of my list. In fact, they really were not on my list at all!

Even when I married at age 34, I wasn't that interested in having children. Luckily, my other half did not pressurise me or seem to mind too much. In fact, he once said he thought I was too immature to have kids! The pot and the kettle come to mind in that regard! We both had good full time jobs and enjoyed going away, drinking and going out for meals. I didn't believe in the biological clock either or that it would ever tick for me. 

That's why, at around age 38 , when I suddenly started to take a big interest in my nieces and nephews, everyone was surprised.  Although I loved them, I really didn't connect with them that much. My brothers never asked me to babysit much and everyone said I preferred animals to kids. I guess, in hindsight, it would have seemed that way, but deep down I think I was just trying to avoid the whole issue. I had so many issues around childbirth and motherhood, it pains me to think of it now.

I couldn't bear to hear about pregnancies or see childbirth scenes on the television. I felt it was a humiliating and degrading experience for the woman and that as usual the man got off scot free.So, with this attitude, It really scared me when I started to ogle babies in their prams, and wonder what it would be like to have a child of my own! What was happening to me? Had I been wrong about the biological clock because it sure seemed to have started ticking for me, however late!

I really started to feel I wanted a child and my husband felt the same. We tried, but unfortunately nothing happened for a long time. Then I had my first miscarriage. I didn't even realise that was what it was at the time so ignorant of all things of that ilk was I. 

As time went on and I hit the age of forty, I decided to forget about the whole idea. By that stage I felt that it was probably my own fault that I could not conceive. I had spent the best part of 38 years saying I did not want children. Now it seemed as if my body was responding in kind. I felt as if I had willed it into not wanting them and it was just complying with my wishes. I remember someone saying to me at that time, that since I was forty, I might as well face the fact I would never have kids. I was sad but decided to get on with life and not think about it. Parenthood is not the path for everyone and it is not in everyone's life journey. I thought that was probably the case with me. I went part time in my day job and set up my own dogwalking and petsitting business and felt, for the most part content with my life.

Then, at the age of 41, it happened! I was pregnant! And whats more I was over three months gone before I even realised. I had lost track of my cycle because I had put it out of my mind. I was not sick and had no other symptoms. I felt terrific with boundless energy.It was only my husband said he hadn't heard me complaining about period pain for a while, that it even crossed my mind. I was soooooooooo happy when the test came up positive. I did two more just to be sure and the result was the same. Positive. Positive. Positive!

Some people were shocked and urged me to have all manner of tests done because of my age. I went for some private counselling just to be sure it was something we could handle. We then decided that we would forego the tests and just accept whatever and whoever was sent to us. I just knew then, that even if those tests had showed up any abnormalities we were ready for it. Thankfully, all was perfect and in November 2007 our beautiful son was born. It really was the best day of my life! Now I knew what people meant.

If I had known before what I found out that day and what I know now, I would have tried to have children a lot earlier. I realise now that even if it did cause me to be trapped, that having a child is a wonderful, beautiful blessing. In fact, parenthood has not trapped or frightened me in any way. So far, it is a bonus and an enhancement to my life and I think I can speak for my husband there too.

Since then, I have wanted another child really badly. I have a strong longing for that but I also wanted it for my little son. I would like him to have a sibling so that having older parents won't be a burden to him in later life. Sadly, I had a miscarriage last year age 43 and it was devastating. We are so so so thankful for the child we have and I am so grateful my body clock ticked loudly and woke me up before it really was too late!

In my wildest dreams, I never thought I would become a forty something first time mum but here I am!!! Yippee!!